UNpacking pARENTING gUILT: tHE Ipad Dilemma

It’s funny when life decides to throw you some parenting tests. A real laugh *insert audible eye roll here*

A few days ago, I saw a post on FB of a mom asking if anyone else has done a screen detox with their kids. Essentially having zero screen time for x amount of time. The comment section was lit up with words of encouragement and pleas for help to do the same thing.

I saw the post and noted to my partner how I remember trying this “no screen” thing for a while and it did not go well!

Mainly it’s because I realized that screen time was a tool being used when the connection wasn’t being accessed. Or in some cases, when connections needed a break. I do it too, I zone out of my physical world and dive into the digital one in order to stir up some sort of emotions while also trying to stay in control of everything.

So, when I read that post from the desperate mother all I could think of was “what is the purpose of reducing/removing it?” Are you feeling guilty they are on it too much? Are their attitude or behaviour around you hurtful? Is it challenging to have them engage in family activities? I think understanding the WHY you want the devices gone is helpful in understanding what will be needed as a replacement. The expectation that they will know exactly how to fulfill their time without the tool that entertained them will immediately set everyone up for failure.

The irony of this is that a few days later I became tested and had to sort through my own line of questioning.

When the battery died

I’ll start this story by sharing some context.

This test came on a Sunday after a different week for me that required lots of travel and being out of routine and then the weekend started early with my five-year-old waking up on the Friday with a cold.

So, the Friday and Saturday we started to build in certain pauses with the iPad but also knew it was going to get some extra use as she rested. These first two days went well as I got to slow down and putter away with some house chores that I had really wanted to get done (spring cleaning fever!)

Well, this honeymoon moment passed on Sunday when again I chose another part of the house to clean while my daughter played on her iPad. A few times I would create a pause for her and asked her to work on cleaning her room, this went fine. It all went fine until the iPad battery died and her playtime was abruptly ended. She decided to play with her playdough which was great, except for after some time it continued to make its way to the floor.

The “shift”

This was the moment our dynamic shifted for the remainder of the day. Reflecting now, I don’t think I missed any clues that she was becoming overwhelmed or anything but I am going to guess there may have been. See, I asked her to clean up the pieces that had fallen before she can return back to her iPad and she became upset because she felt like I was asking her to do too many chores for the day.

Her easily agreeable behaviour became bitter and explosive.

How easy it would be for me to blame her for spending all day on her iPad for this behaviour. But I want to work through and process the parenting here.

What was healthy on my side was that I continued to keep my voice low and direct to what I needed from her with some reminders of “I am not yelling and you also don’t need to yell”. This has taken me many arguments and processing to get to this point.

The unhealthy part that I think made the moment continue to escalate was that at that time I had finally taken a break from one of my cleaning projects so I was on the couch scrolling through my device. I was trying to detach rather than be with her through the emotions.

I wasn’t sharp with my words, yelling, or by any means rude. But I also wasn’t connective. My behaviour came across more like “this is a you problem” not a “let’s figure this out together” problem.

The escalation

So, from there it escalated to her trying to clean with tools that would just make a bigger mess and her being offended/ticked off when I told her this.

Reading this back to myself I can see how this could be confusing, me saying “clean but not like that”. Okay, noted.

Finally I let her know I needed to take a break and walk away because I was getting angry and did not want to raise my voice. My parenting reaction previously was to send her away but of course that always came with resistance. Instead, I now try and respond to the situation by demonstrating the behaviour I want her to take. So this was me taking an emotional break, but this was also when she decided to steal her iPad and took it to her room.

The processing point

I knew she had done it and this is a processing moment for me because I wonder how I could have done this next step differently.

What I did was I walked up the stairs slowly and calmly, went into her room and as she heard me come in she put her iPad behind her back, I grabbed it gently and began walking out of her room.

No words, just came in and retrieved the item in question.

- Pause -

Okay, maybe what I could have done was knocked on her door, sat down on the floor (to be on the same level as her) and ask to talk about what is happening.

Knowing her, she would have actually responded well to that and probably after a moment or two of being upset she would have sadly handed her iPad back.

Wow…. Hindsight is so great, isn’t it?

- Unpause -

As I was trying to leave her room, she was grabbing at me, pulling me, and doing what she could to demand her iPad back. I continued to walk away as best I could while also softly but sternly asking her to take her hands off of me and stating her body was not being safe.

As I am writing this, I am very much trying to figure out how to quickly wrap this up and move away from the experience. I am trying to avoid some of these feelings again but the purpose of this writing is to process. Part of me is continuing to go back to that pause moment and I am internally shaming myself for not doing that to begin with. But shame is not helpful here, it only adds more hurt rather than reveal lessons for future moments.

Okay, back to what was occurring.

The peak of escalation

I put the iPad up and out of reach where she then ran full body towards me like a linebacker in the NFL. I actually almost started to laugh, which I am wanting to go and research more about that particular response from me. This was a moment where my sweet and loving five-year-old was in full anger and becoming a bull in order to release her anger onto me, but my response was laughter (stifled as I did not want to express to her that her physical behaviour was appropriate). Did I go to laughter as a way to reduce my own anger? Or perhaps the emotions are actually so similar that I became confused as to what I should do? I don’t know, so I shall add this to my mental “to research more” pile.

Anyways, after she bulldozered into me I held her back and stated that running at me was not okay and then she began walking away and I shared how I was getting angrier but was not raising my voice or hurting her.

She then put her hands over her ears and demanded that I …. Wait, see how I used the word “demanded”? What sort of image did you just get? Because as I read it back to myself I got this image of a “Karen asking for the manager” situation. Demanded sounds more like entitlement to me. My daughter wasn’t entitled, she was a ball of emotions and feeling powerless. She was loudly stating what she wanted in order to feel some sort of control because the one tool she has that immediately grounds her was just physically taken from her.

Okay, I think I am starting to see where she was mentally and emotionally.

The apology

Being on the receiving end of her grappling with all of this I am immediately wanting to correct every behaviour and have her “show respect”. But as I write this I am reminding myself that her brain was offline. As in, she wasn’t in her thinking brain, she was in her fight/flight/freeze and for her she was fighting through this perceived threat.

I was in my thinking brain, but trying to logic my way through all of this, rather than walk alongside and feel my way through it.

One thing I have started to do with my parenting is not force an apology, I don’t want a forced one, I want a real one. So, she eventually went up to find her father (He had been trying to nap through all of this due to a migraine) and she found some connection.

I think in a previous state of mind I would have been jealous of this. That he got to be the “good parent” while I was the “bad parent”. But I didn’t see it that way now. I saw her needing comfort while working through something and I couldn’t give that to her in that moment.

I wanted to on some level give her connection but I wanted it on my terms, I wasn’t prepared to give connection until I felt like she took responsibility for her actions. Reflecting back on this I can see this as being a bit of a catch-22 situation. She couldn’t explore her responsibilities until she felt connection and I couldn’t give it until she owned some responsibility.

The cool down

After some time of her cooling down they both came downstairs to chat with me. She was lighter but visibly still upset in some ways.

My partner tried to help facilitate a conversation of shared feelings but I was still in lecture mode and she was still in a bit of fight mode. So, the conversation ended with her getting angry again and walking away.

The situation slowly resolved itself throughout the night but I felt myself becoming more and more drained. It felt like my anger was like yeast and slowly rising more and more as the evening went on.

Her behaviour had done a 180 and she was joking around and playing, talking a lot and telling stories, but this caused a lot of moments of distraction or going off course. She had agreed to clean the playdough that was forming molds around the hardwood floor but her timeline of when was different than my hope for it to happen sooner rather than later.

I shared with her at one point how I saw how well she was playing and I didn’t want to take her happy away but that it was hard for my energy to keep asking her clean up. She said she understood but of course went on playing and not cleaning.

Right before dinner she completed her task, bringing this whole ordeal to a close. However, not really. I feel unsettled because I don’t think she really understood that how she responded was hurtful but I also realize she doesn’t think I have properly heard her as she was asking for help and I was, in her mind, rejecting her.

The conclusion

She is in bed now and I wish I would have asked her earlier to explain her feelings more so I could maybe try to understand, rather than just trying to lecture her about what was or was not appropriate. I was kind in my conversations but like I said earlier, I wasn’t connected.

So, now I am left here with a decision to make. Her iPad has been put away and I informed her that it was removed from her because of her taking it and watching it before she was allowed to as well as due to the physical harm she was doing to me when I was removing it from her. I let her know that it would be returned at a later time when we have had time to work on being kind to each other.

Now, how long do I hold on to it? She is hoping for a to-do list of ways to get it returned to her, but I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want the lesson to be “it’s gone until you have paid your debt”. I want it more to be, “what is the lesson you are learning about yourself when you have or don’t have your iPad?”

So, I will sit with this unknown next step for a little bit, but I am grateful for this processing moment as it really helped me to uncover an opportunity I could do differently if/when a similar situation arises again.

As you read this, what did you notice about your own reactions to my words? What would you have done differently? Or perhaps, what would you have done and then maybe would have hoped you would have done differently?

Thank you for reading and being curious about the mindset of parenting.

——-

Tia Bell is a Registered Social Worker.
Follow her on IG or dive into counselling