Grief & Loss - Relationships
The loss of relationship can be like a death. The severing of a connection we have shared with another person can leave us feeling lost, confused, lonely, or all of the above. We are left to find a new normal, move on with our lives, and yet part of us has changed forever and bears a scar that may always be there.
Loss of Intimate Relationships
Most of us have or will experience the breakdown and ending of a romantic or intimate partner relationship. There is often a process of grieving for the lost relationship, even if we were the instigator of the breakup. There are fears that may come up, about being alone, unlovable, unwanted. Sometimes it is an extremely complicated and complex situation where we have left a toxic or even abusive relationship, maybe we even still love or miss our abuser, and yet we have left and must now struggle to get back to ourselves and the support for this is only kind of like support because there is so much stigma or shame or fear or or or.
Sometimes a perfectly normal relationship must end because we have just grown apart. We may experience a loss of expectations and have to teach our brain not to call them first when something interesting happens because they were our best friend but now we don’t talk, and one day we see that they have moved on and that makes us sad even though we don’t want to be with them and that is grief too because we almost had it.
Loss of Friendship
This is a big one. Losing a friend (for any reason) can be as difficult or more so than the loss of a romantic partner. A friend is supposed to be lifelong, they are supposed to be there no matter what. First of all, making friends can be HARD and to get past that point of small talk into a more intimate connection of bestie souls is kind of a miracle so if that ends one day, we can be crushed. This can be such a disenfranchised loss, where we are grieving alone under an umbrella of feeling like nobody else would understand, and we can’t exactly call in sad to work because of a friendship situation. And the person who we would normally call to talk about it…. isn’t available to us anymore.
Sometimes we lose friends to an argument, a difference of opinion. I know there have been many disrupted relationships that came about due to covid opinions, which felt like ideological differences that could not be accepted. Sometimes, a friendship ends as part of a traumatic event like an affair or betrayal that can not be simply forgiven. Sometimes, our dearest ones go down a path we cannot follow, filled with risky decisions and a disregard for their precious selves and we simply cannot watch but love them and miss them from afar until they maybe one day might come back to us.
When these things happen, it is normal and reasonable to fall apart. We can experience a rollercoaster of emotions: anger, envy, disappointment, regret, nostalgia, anguish, sadness, fear . . . relief? Wherever you are at, it is part of it and it is important to feel all of the feelings. Dig in and do the personal work to heal from this hurt. Consider seeing a therapist or counsellor to help you on the journey of grief - professionals can meet you where you are at and be a wonderful resource for healing after the loss of a friendship. Sometimes we can all use an outside perspective to help us adjust to our new realities, and mental health practitioners can be an excellent part of our overall health toolkit to bring us back to a healthy baseline.
If there are other friends around, avoid gossiping or venting but lean in to sharing the emotional experience you are going through. What this means is that while sharing your actual feelings (sadness, anger, despair) can be therapeutic, frequently revisiting and speaking negatively about another person can keep you stuck and impede your healing process. Although it can briefly bring relief to say all the things and let out the anger that way, it can do more harm than good to stay there too long. Use discretion with who you are sharing your feelings and experiences with, and if you can’t be sure that you can trust someone, best to keep the details to a minimum.
Loss of Family Relationships
Sometimes, we or our family members, have decided it is best to part ways. No matter the reasons behind this decision, it can be painful for all involved even when we know it is for the best. When this happens there have already been many times of distress leading up to the estrangement, and yet a final severing of links to each other comes with a loss of those people. We can care about someone and not want to see them. We can miss someone and know that we are healthier away from them. We can love someone and let them draw lines in the sand that cannot be crossed. There is a grey area in life and connection that we don’t often talk about - how two things can be true at once and while we are often surrounded by ideals that shout “family before everything” and “blood is thicker than water”, sometimes . . . this isn’t enough.
Whether we are the ones leaving, the ones left behind, or just one part of a decision to dissolve a relationship, it is okay to feel all the feelings and treat our grief as a valid, real emotion.
There is not a lot of academic research out there about grief and the loss of relationship. Most of the articles I could find were either super old in science measurements, like over 25 years ago, or were still focusing on grief and loss of relationship due to death. No wonder it can feel so lonely to go through these losses, as they are so often ignored and dismissed. But the grief after losing a relationship is real, and it is worth bringing attention to.
Contributed by Ellery, BSW Practicum Student
Photos from Unsplash
