Grief & Loss - Coping
When it comes to coping with grief and loss, many of us will find that what we “know” about the stages of grief just does not sit quite right. While the stages of grief identified by Elizabeth Kübler Ross have been accepted by mainstream society as fairly universal there is now a lot of research that tells us grief is not linear, and many folks do not experience grief in stages.
You are not alone if your grief process feels more like tangled barbed wire than a straight and predictable line.
Coping with grief and loss was what initially brought me to design a survey and embark on a journey through academic research, personal stories, podcasts, books, and deep discussion about grief. I know in my personal experiences of both a supporter of others and a person who has experienced multiple kinds of grief, there seems to be an absence of understanding or at least missing dialogue in our modern day society.
Historically, many cultures have grief practices that are consistent and rooted in ritual. Some of these are distinctly religious like the Jewish tradition of Shiva, other traditions like Celebrations of Life or memorial tributes have become more mainstream and do not always have religious or spiritual aspects. It has been identified by researchers that “rituals help to establish the ‘right to grieve’ following a loss” (Doka, 2002, as quoted in Spain et al., 2019, p. 557), and this concept is particularly impactful for disenfranchised grief where there may be no acts of ritual to help with the loss such as the loss of a pet or end of relationship. Conversely, there are some instances where typical grieving practices may retraumatize individuals and cause more harm than good if there is not a positive relationship or correlation to the grieving rituals. It’s possible that it is time for some modern reimagining of coping with grief. Maybe there are ways we can honor our losses that are meaningful to us, using the ideas that suit us and discarding the narratives or expectations that don’t feel right anymore.
As you read this article, I invite you to keep in mind this is a collection of ideas that have come from a survey, academic literature, various books, podcasts, and conversations. Please take what is meaningful or helpful to you and leave the rest. Lean into the understanding that while grief can be considered a universal experience, how we each move through grief can be deeply unique and personal. There is no “correct” way to grieve, and any tips or ideas here are meant as such and not to be taken as universal truths for all individuals.
The ability to cope with grief is complicated and is influenced by many factors. As I went over my collection of materials, I had to create a mind-map to try and organize all (or at least most) of the coping concepts.
As you can likely see, this discussion on coping with grief could go in many directions. How a person manages their grief can be impacted by anything from their employment circumstances, to their expectations, to supports they have or don’t have, to prior experiences and connections to others.
Policies
The existence of policies within systems and employment circumstances were identified several times over in the grief survey responses. The ability to take time off of work, be supported by employers, and have your loss “count” in the eyes of policies makes a big difference. Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant discuss some of this in their book, Option B (2017): “widows are often left without money for basic needs. In too many cases, they lose their homes or can’t make rent payments . . . Cohabiting and same-sex couples usually don’t have the same legal protections and employment benefits as married couples” (pp. 26-27). Consideration of how our government and businesses allow for and encourage grieving processes may not always occur to us as important until it’s our turn to experience loss, but it may be worth reflecting on when making choices about who to support or what jobs to pursue.
Supports
The existence of supports is a major factor in positively coping with grief. There are a many potential ways to access supports. Engaging with a professional counsellor or therapist can be extremely helpful, or having supportive family or friends who can listen and provide love in the form of meals, cleaning, listening, and so on. Many responders to the survey commented on the benefits of talking to family or friends, and mentioned how sharing their grief with loved ones can deepen connection and strengthen bonds. Media is another identified support through the survey: from social media support groups to watching a movie to listening to podcasts or reading books, many folks find comfort and relief through these avenues. People also commonly identify connection and shared memories with others who are willing to talk about the loss as extremely beneficial. Learning about grief and the experiences of others can also help with lessening feelings of isolation and being alone in pain.
Creative Outlets
Processing grief and loss through creative outlets such as writing, creating art, or music can have a positive impact on healing. Journaling or writing letters to the deceased can be therapeutic for many people in mourning. Writing about feelings was identified over and over again in my research: it is discussed in this Huberman Lab podcast, by Dan Levy in this We Can Do Hard Things podcast, Elizabeth Alexander in this All There Is with Anderson Cooper podcast, as well as by Anderson Cooper himself in several of his podcast episodes, and Sheryl Sandberg in the book Option B.
Timeline
After reading and listening to so many grief stories, it seems we all tend to recognize that the timeline of grief is non-linear, a unique experience for all, and may go on forever. Grief can also evolve over time. It can ebb and flow, it can settle down and become just a part of life and it can swell up and become overwhelming at unexpected moments. It can be particularly disheartening to feel like you are stuck in grief while the world just keeps going all around you. Reminders that grief takes time and has it’s own schedule can help normalize and validate these experiences. Give yourself (or your loved one) permission to move through your emotions at your own pace.
Existing Factors
How we cope with grief can be heavily influenced by who we were before the loss. Our existing protective factors and risk factors, our overall health (physical, mental, spiritual), our environment, and our previous experiences with loss and adversity all impact how we may react to loss.
These factors are all from a study so sound very science-y - basically what it is saying is that you are more likely to cope well with grief, experience post-traumatic growth, and avoid long-term, complicated grief, if you tend to be able to make sense of your experiences, have managed tough times well before, can identify and manage your emotions, and tend to take care of yourself. The good news is you can practice these things in your every day life to help build strength in your capacities.
Some factors that put you at higher risk for complicated grief include being emotionally dependent on others (may also present as insecure attachment style), experiencing a lot of feelings of anger or guilt, having a history of mental health struggles or prior loss that you haven’t coped well with, feeling out of control, or experiencing economic struggles like unemployment, food insecurity, homelessness, etc.
Barriers
There are some major barriers that get in the way of moving through grief and loss. We’ve already touched on the potential financial influences, and briefly mentioned that experiencing feelings of guilt can negatively impact the grieving process. Other commonly brought up barriers to grief include when we are in denial about our grief and when we experience compounding losses that reactivate our grief before we are in a place of healing.
Feeling our feelings is really important. Being able to identify and understand our emotions helps us to move through them in a healthy way. There are many approaches to understanding emotions, and if you are interested in learning more I highly recommend the book, Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown (available at the library, on audible, and bookstores or amazon).
So What Can We Do?
The good news is, coping with grief can be managed with some basic supports, honoring your loss, and accepting that this will take time. I have put together a few quotes about coping with grief gathered from the survey and guests on All There Is with Anderson Cooper podcast.
Contributed by Ellery, BSW Practicum Student
Resources
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart. Random House.
Cooper, A. (Host) (2022-2024). All There Is with Anderson Cooper [Audio podcast]. CNN Audio. All There Is with Anderson Cooper - Podcast on CNN Audio
Pérez-González, A., Vilajoana-Celaya, J., & Guàrdia-Olmos, J. (2021). Alzheimer’s disease caregiver characteristics and their relationship with anticipatory grief. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(16), 8838-. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18168838
Sandberg, S. & Grant, A. (2017). Option B. Random House of Canada.
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