Grief & Loss - Pets
One of the topics that came up again and again was grieving the loss of our pets. While this experience is a fairly common phenomenon in our society, it still has a shadow of disenfranchisement lurking as we struggle to articulate the importance of pets in our lives.
“Disenfranchised Grief
occurs when a loss is unacknowledged and the bereaved are unable to express their grief. When grief is considered illegitimate, the bereaved may experience a variety of adverse psychological outcomes, including increased distress and reduced quality of life” - Spain et al., 2019, p. 555
Grieving the loss of our pets is a kind of grief that can be hard to explain. It may feel like we should be able to move on, shouldn’t have to take time off of work, should be able to talk about it without falling apart. The truth is however, that this grief can be so big and so painful, while also isolating and greatly underrepresented.
The first dog I ever owned “by myself” as a grown up, Miikka was a puggle – the cutest most puppiest puppy ever.
Soon after she came home I started to realize she would one day leave me . Some of the grief about losing her one day started way back then.
She lived for 15 great years and when we had to say goodbye in January 2023 I had been struggling with the impending loss in different ways for days, months, even years.
“Anticipatory grief is considered an active psychological process that is very different from the mere anticipation of death”
Anticipatory grief is when we know a loss is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We become caught in a tangle of joyful moments, painful reminders that our time is always limited, and a deep, almost constant ache that could be called fear or understanding or both or neither.
Why is it So Hard?
It’s been said before, that losing a pet is like losing a family member. We can take it further though, and recognize that sometimes, it is worse than losing a family member. Our pets are constant, loving, predictable companions. They give us a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to come home at the end of the day. For many of us, pets have been the only consistency in our lives for years - existing before, during, and after career changes, moving homes, adding family members, leaving relationships, losing loved ones. They make us laugh at their sleeping positions, grumble at their messes, and cry at the thought of living without them.
Studies show that owning a dog can alleviate the stress and pain of being excluded socially (Aydin et al., 2011), and that human-animal bonds can mimic the attachment bonds and sense of security we get from healthy human relationships (Sable, 1995). We know that pets can decrease stress and anxiety, provide comfort and reduce negative outcomes in many health conditions like diabetes, epilepsy, severe allergies, and depression.
When we lose a pet, whether it is expected or not, we are experiencing real loss.
Our brains take time to adjust to loss - we experience many moments of confusion and pain when our brains expect to hear the patter of paws, when we open the door to shocking silence, when we glance over at the sunny spot to find it empty. We are often not able to participate in rituals over pet death - things like funerals, gatherings, writing obituaries, lighting candles. People maybe aren’t checking on us or bringing comforting meals to us as they might if we lost a human.
The combination of significant loss with a potentially unrecognized and unsupported grieving process results in a complex and often painful experience.
What can We do?
First of all, recognize that losing a pet is a loss. Meet yourself where you are at in the grieving process, feel your feelings and allow yourself to be there. Take the time you need to be alone or reach out and ask for support if you want company. Try a friend or family member, or reach out to a crisis line, Tia at Unscripted Co., or another counselling professional. It is okay and often important to access professional support while dealing with pet loss.
Create your own rituals - light a candle, have a little ceremony, create a space in your house to remember your companion. Think about what kinds of activities will bring you comfort and build those into your life.
Try to write about it - journaling during loss has a ton of benefits, and could help greatly with processing big feelings.
Go back to basics. Focus on breathing exercises, eating properly, going for walks, seeing friends, and getting enough sleep. These simple tasks can do wonders for moving through grief.
Talk to someone - phone a friend or family member, find someone who will welcome you to talk about your beloved pet. Again, if you prefer, there are therapists and counsellors out there who may be a good fit if you don’t have an existing supportive relationship.
If you are in need of immediate support, call Distress Centre Calgary at 403-266-4367
How Can I help My Loved One Who Has Lost A Pet?
The best thing you can do for your loved ones who are experiencing a loss is show up. Listen, validate, and normalize the emotions they are experiencing.
Recognize that there is no timeline to grief, and that what you may have experienced in your own grief may or may not be relevant to theirs.
Create space where your loved one can talk openly about their lost pet and their feelings about them.
Avoid cliché’s like “everything happens for a reason” or “he’s in a better place” - while you may believe this to be true it can be difficult to hear these comments in times of acute grief.
It is likely that you don’t need to do or say much, just be present and do your best not to turn away from their pain.
The process of grieving a pet whether it’s anticipatory or in the moment, or even over years is a real experience that involves real pain. This is normal and expected. When intense grief lasts beyond a few weeks and you are finding yourself unable to find any joy or comfort, you may be experiencing complicated grief and this would be a good time to explore professional help with a certified therapist. Take care of yourself.
Contributed by Ellery, BSW Practicum Student
Resources:
Aydin, N., Krueger, J. L., Fischer, J., Hahn, D., Kastenmuller, A., Frey, D., & Fischer, P. (2011). “Man’s best friend:” How the presence of a dog reduces mental distress after social exclusion. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48, 446–449. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2011.09.011
Pérez-González, A., Vilajoana-Celaya, J., & Guàrdia-Olmos, J. (2021). Alzheimer’s disease caregiver characteristics and their relationship with anticipatory grief. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(16), 8838-. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18168838
Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40, 334–341. doi:10.1093/sw/40.3.334.
Spain, B., O’Dwyer, L. & Moston, S. (2019) Pet Loss: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief, Memorial Use, and Posttraumatic Growth, Anthrozoös, 32:4, 555-568, DOI: 10.1080/08927936.2019.1621545
