Choosing sides makes things worse…
To be clear, this is all an opinion-based post with current thoughts running through my mind…
So, I have seen on Tik Tok the trial between Amber Heard v. Johnny Depp. If you haven’t seen clips or heard about it then I am a bit surprised.
The majority of the content I see is in support of Johnny and then online critiques try to poke holes in everything Amber is saying.
One video I saw made a note on how it was purposeful of Johnny’s legal team to file the case in Virginia because that is where the printing press for the Washington post is located. Although still odd as neither one work or live in Virginia, the video explored how the legal team could have chosen this location due to Virginia live streaming their cases and the likelihood that the courts would actually allow a defamation case to be heard (as California has what is called an “anti-slapp” law that prohibits defamation cases because they view it as going against the first amendment of freedom of speech).
Is there truth to this? Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter as the case has been going on for multiple weeks now.
It’s actually frustrating how much the legal system (albeit I will note how different the United States is from Canada. We still feel the impact of what happens in the USA up here in the cold north) is more of a show rather than a place to explore truth and reconciliation.
This case has been getting so much media attention that I fear it is creating a narrative that silences domestic abuse victims more than ever before.
Whether the statements made by Amber Heard are true or not, the way they are torn apart and she becomes villainized gives no space for domestic abuse survivors to speak their truth.
In my past, working in the non-profit sector and supporting women and children fleeing domestic abuse, the most challenging aspect for survivors was the psychological damage that occurred. They often felt like they had gone crazy while their partner was able to have this calm persona in front of the police or really anyone outside the relationship. The switch that occurred was often unexplainable because it wasn’t just about the physical things thrown at them, but it could also be the silences that were almost more unbearable because what came next was uncertainty.
Some women I worked with discussed going through phases (not even knowing that the research actually speaks to this and calls it cycles of abuse). These phases often looked like:
Honeymoon: Everything is “good” and calmed down. This is the phase of recommitting to the relationship and the hope that the last time was truly the last time.
Tension: This is where many can describe a shift in behaviour. Where something has set their partner off and they become cautious with when/how they approach conversations with their partner.
Explosion: This is when the partner goes off on them. Verbal and/or physical attacks.
The length of time between each phase can be days, weeks, months, or even years. Which keeps them trapped. Along with the isolation from friends/family and psychological gas-lightening.
Here is a resource about identifying domestic violence and other forms of abuse: Alberta Council of Women Shelters
Also, trauma has a major impact on your memory and your ability to see things in chronological order. As quoted in this NCBI article
“Trauma memories – like all memories – are malleable and prone to distortion.”
When you are in survival are you really remembering every detail?
Even if you weren’t in a state of survival can you honestly remember the details?
We have the science behind this, so why do we not have a legal system that also takes this into account?
I have been with clients who have had to write out their victim impact statements, going into every fine detail of the most brutal time they experienced. But even that falls short on capturing the smallest moments that break your spirit down or even gas-light you to believe that maybe you’re imagining it all or perhaps you’re actually the problem.
When we as civilians that have no connection to the case, except what gets highlighted on tv, publically chose a side saying things like #justiceforjohnny or #amberturd then the result becomes that YOU are no longer a safe person to speak to about what might be happening behind closed doors for someone in your life.
The truth is, that domestic abuse is messy. It is layered with trauma, shame, and choices that are hurtful.
Hollywood highlights the physical abuse and plays into this notion that maybe a neighbour or family member would be able to tell, but it’s deeper than that.
My worry in all of this is that fewer people will come forward to get help when they are stuck in unhealthy or abusive situations (whether they are the perpetrator or on the receiving end).
How is someone supposed to feel like they can be believed and share their truth if they can be sued for defamation? At the same time, I also understand the implications of publicly shaming or insinuating that someone did something when they didn’t.
So what is the right path?
For starters, I do believe it should be in a closed court setting. Some of the details shared in this case are raw and vulnerable moments that should allow for privacy for both parties involved.
But what else?
How else can this be resolved?
I am honestly asking for thoughts here because figuring out ways we can mend one broken system might be able to help us mend more broken systems.
I have many contradictory feelings here because we need some accountability but at the same time, who gets to decide that? Public opinion is important as it helps to structure our societal norms and standards, but this can also be more harmful when the norms being set are belittling and discrediting people from sharing their painful truths.
Should Johnny have just allowed the “op-ed” to be left as? Does Amber have the right to publish an op-ed? If they were not public figures how would this have played out?
However, in all of this being said I am choosing to step back from he said/ she said case that is being blown up on social media and share that if YOU the reader are experiencing something in your relationship that you feel stuck or confused by, then feel free to reach out to me. If I am not the correct support, YOU and I will find the proper support together so that you don’t have to carry this pain on your own.
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Tia Bell is a Registered Social Worker.
Join her for 1:1 Counselling or follow on IG
