Can Grief Be Good?
A lovely and somewhat unexpected thread showed up between a lot of grief experiences I have read and heard about lately. Within or alongside grief there can be a positive and maybe even joyful experience. In the darkest days of grief, sometimes people report feelings of deep love, connection, joy, and growth. Even experts recognize these moments and identify that sometimes after trauma or loss, we experience what they call post-traumatic growth. Taking a deeper look at what leads to post-traumatic growth can help us recognize how we can set ourselves up for positive outcomes and support our loved ones in times of struggle.
Five Factors of Post-Traumatic Growth:
Relating to Others
New Possibilities
Personal Strength
Spiritual Change
Appreciation of Life
(Tadeschi & Calhoun, 1996)
Relating to Others
In the aftermath of loss, many folks find they are better able to connect to others who have also suffered. A new level of empathy can arise when we have been in the position of mourner. Our losses don’t have to be the same to connect, we do this through recognizing pain and emotions in others that we have experienced or can somewhat imagine. Comparing loss isn’t the point - we are talking about identifying that we too know pain and can walk alongside others in companionship rather than isolation.
In a survey about grief, 86% of respondents identified talking to friends & family as one of their main supports through grief. Connecting with others is what we can do as humans to heal ourselves and support our loved ones.
“Nobody else can do this for you, but you don’t have to do it alone”
New Possibilities
You’ve probably heard some version of the saying, when one door closes another one opens. While I certainly don’t recommend using that comment to comfort anyone, I do suggest considering looking back at your greatest times of growth or change and reflect on what brought you there.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”
New possibilities may exist for us when we have lost our previous way of being. If you are in the depths of grief at this time you can skip right over this idea until you are ready for it. It’s a tough one to imagine until all of a sudden it may occur to us that what has happened to us has led us to the life we have somehow become grateful for.
Another new possibility that can be overlooked in the grief process is the continuation of a relationship after loss. Kirsten Johnson and Anderson Cooper discuss how we can actually get to know someone in a new or deeper way after they have died (Cooper, 2022, Oct. 12). There is this way that the relationship continues, in a new form, where it isn’t necessarily over just changes direction. We can learn more about someone else through our own experiences after they are gone - our understanding and empathy around their experiences can be extended as we age and learn more about life.
Personal Strength
When we experience a traumatic event or loss, there is an opportunity for recognizing the strength we have exhibited as we move through the difficulties of the situation. Sometimes, we are stronger than we thought.
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”
Some version of Nietzche’s quote exists in a number of pop songs including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, and more. This is a sign of positive growth when you experience of reaching a point of feeling stronger after going through pain.
Sheryl Sandberg discusses post-traumatic growth in her memoir, Option B:
“I can’t imagine. People continued to say this to me and I agreed with them. It was all I could do to live through the moments when it hurt so much. In the depths of acute grief, I did not think I would be capable of growing stronger. But as excruciating days turned into weeks and then months, I realized that I could imagine because I was living it. I had gained strength just by surviving. In the words of an old adage: ‘Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me’” (Sandberg & Grant, 2017, p. 80).
Spiritual Change
In the aftermath of grief and loss, some individuals experience a change in their spirituality. This can look like spiritual growth where a connection to a higher power is deepened and brings comfort to the bereaved, or a loss of spiritual connection or religious belief that existed prior to loss. Both of these experiences can happen and bring on growth or change in how we experience the world. One study about adolescents following the loss of a parent “highlight[s] the supportive role of spirituality as a facilitator of coping (e.g. prayer) and a way to connect with others around their shared faith” (Schaefer et al., 2022, p. 16).
“I thought about how humans had faced love and loss for centuries, and I felt connected to something much larger than myself - connected to a universal human experience”
Connecting to the universe in whatever way feels right to you can be a significant tool to carry you through times of adversity. Walking in nature, prayer, meditation, attending religious events, can all be ways to deepen your spirituality and create opportunities for growth.
Appreciation of Life
Tadeschi and Calhoun (1996), who developed the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory (PGI) that is widely quoted in research, found that a “change in the philosophy of life regarded as positive” was “reported by many persons coping with trauma” (p. 457). Their studies have shown frequently that it is our perceptions of what happened to us that can help or hinder our long term well-being.
Stephen Colbert discusses his experience with grief over the loss of his father and two brothers: “It’s a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. But if you are grateful for your life, then you have to be grateful for all of it . . . I have some understanding that everyone is suffering and connect with them and to love them in a deep way that makes you grateful for the fact that you have suffered so that you can know that about other people” (Anderson, 2022, Sept 21, 2:53).
It’s normal for our expectations and priorities to shift after experiencing a loss. For many individuals, a new understanding of what is important to them and how they wish to spend their time can arise from an intense reminder of how short our time can be in this life.
This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
Reflection QUestions:
What are your thoughts on posttraumatic growth?
In what ways could grief be considered a positive part of your life?
What kinds of experiences with grief have brought growth?
How can understanding posttraumatic growth help us support our loved ones and/or clients?
Contributed by Ellery, BSW Practicum Student.
Resources
Cooper, A. (Host). (2022, September 21). Stephen Colbert: Grateful for grief [Audio podcast episode]. In All there is with Anderson Cooper. CNN Audio. Stephen Colbert: Grateful for Grief - All There Is with Anderson Cooper - Podcast on CNN Audio
Cooper, A. (Host). (2022, October 12). Anticipatory grief [Audio podcast episode]. In All there is with Anderson Cooper. CNN Audio. Anticipatory Grief - All There Is with Anderson Cooper - Podcast on CNN Audio
Cooper, A. (Host). (2024, January 10). Ashley Judd: Grief, love, and Naomi [Audio podcast episode]. In All there is with Anderson Cooper. CNN Audio. All There Is with Anderson Cooper - Podcast on CNN Audio
Sandberg, S. & Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing adversity, building resilience, and finding joy. Random House of Canada.
Schaefer, L. M., Howell, K. H., Jamison, L. E., & Napier, T. R. (2022). The function of connection: Examining social supports in the lives of parentally bereaved youth. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 0(0), pp. 1-24. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228221127827
Spain, B., O’Dwyer, L. & Moston, S. (2019) Pet Loss: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief, Memorial Use, and Posttraumatic Growth, Anthrozoös, 32:4, 555-568, DOI: 10.1080/08927936.2019.1621545
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (1996). The posttraumatic growth inventory: Measuring the positive legacy of trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9(3), 455–471. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.2490090305
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