When the Pros Let Us Down
Vulnerability and shame are some of the most difficult emotions to articulate and process. Researcher Brené Brown, LMSW, PhD. has spent decades exploring these experiences, bringing awareness to these complex sensations, and helping her followers to gain empathy for others and overcome our own encounters with shame. While diving into Brené’s work I’ve reflected on my personal experiences and revealed a startling truth: my most profound moments of shame unfolded when I was vulnerable to professionals who let me down.
From junior high teachers who publicly disclosed my academic struggles (presumably in a misguided attempt to motivate improvement?), to a pediatrician who responded to my 3 minute tardiness with an unwarranted three-hour wait for my sick baby's consultation – these encounters left me overwhelmed and feeling sick, anger, confused, humiliated, and doubting myself.
An unfortunate side effect of our systems-focused society is that many of us grow up believing that the professionals have our backs, are there to help, and we should be thankful for the opportunity to be helped by them. Teachers, doctors, paramedics, government officials, are supposed to be trustworthy and giving individuals who know what is best for us. If we talk back, question them, ask for another opinion, or inconvenience them in any way we have become ungrateful, rude, unworthy, and disruptive. We worry that if we say something we won’t get the services we need, and what if we tell someone and they take the side of the professional?
Well, she wouldn’t have said that if you weren’t failing.
If you were on time he wouldn’t have made you wait.
It’s not okay to waste people’s time . . .
But we know -
Shame doesn’t work to change behaviours.
“Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better”
So what can we do when this happens to us?
When I was ignored by the pediatrician, I watched family after family get called to see him with my face burning and tears threatening to spill at any moment. When he finally called me in, I smiled and said I understood his reasoning in making me wait. Then I continued to take my little one to see him on a regular basis for another four years! It took me four years to get up the courage to decide to end the “relationship” and stop seeing him. We have since found another pediatrician who has shown us kindness and feels like a much better fit.
If I was to go back to tell younger mama me something, it would be somewhere along the lines of these in-the-moment tips.
Try This
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Try This 〰️
1 . Take a Breath
Breathing can be hard to do and easy to forget when we are in a panic! Practice breathing through pain and stress when you are feeling steady so that when a bad moment happens your body remembers what to do. Does this sound silly? Don’t we breathe all day? Yes, and practicing quality deep breathing can make a huge difference in your ability to get past that fight-flight-freeze physiological reaction to danger. There are many breathing exercises that can calm our nervous systems, including box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, alternate nostril breathing, belly breathing and many more you can easily find on your favorite search engine. I recommend practicing your preferred breathing technique at least twice daily on a regular basis so in the event of panic you have a go to muscle memory exercise to help refocus and move to the next steps.
2 . Phone a friend
Think about a friend/parent/partner you can trust who will witness your moment and support you through it. Have a conversation now about how shame has impacted you and what you think would help in those moments. Make an agreement that if it happens in the future, they will be available to you either by phone or text to walk through the moment with you. Maybe you want someone to remind you that you are allowed to leave, maybe you prefer someone just listen to you without advice - think about this and communicate with your person.
3 . Take your business elsewhere
Just get out of there. In Canada we have “free health care” and that can make us think we don’t have a choice in our providers. We do. We can go back to our primary care provider and ask for other options. We can file complaints, we can go to a walk-in and try again. This is for sure challenging, especially as many of us were taught to be good, don’t make anyone else uncomfortable. But why should we force ourselves to stay in circumstances that hurt us? In Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed she discusses a friend who stayed through a whole hot yoga class even though it was awful for her and eventually came to the realization: wait, I could just LEAVE! Maybe this doesn’t work in junior high school, but I do think we can give ourselves permission to just leave way more often than we do!
4 . Talk About It
Shame grows in the dark and silence. When we talk about shame we take away it’s power. When we tell our support people about bad things that have happened to us, we open the doors to healing and growth. We also give others the opportunity to share with us and then suddenly we may not feel so alone. If you are unsure where to go to talk, check out the Distress Centre for free confidential phone, text, and chat support. If there are shameful experiences you’ve had that you are finding it very difficult to get over, seek out a counsellor or therapist to provide knowledgeable, professional support.
Shame is a universal emotion that can cause a ton of pain. When we experience shame at the hands of a professional, it adds a level of confusion as we must wrestle with the power imbalance and additional feelings of vulnerability.
Reflection Questions
Have you been let down by a professional who shamed you?
What has helped or hindered processing and recovering from shame experiences?
For service providers, how can we set up our practices to be empowering and shame-free spaces?
For more on shame I recommend reading anything by Brené Brown or Glennon Doyle
Both of these authors also have podcasts!
Contributed by Ellery, BSW Practicum Student
