AuDHD Contradictory Traits: Managing the Push-Pull
Have you ever felt like a walking contradiction?
I took the Myers-Briggs personality test in high school. I had the worst time with some of the questions; I felt like both options were 100% true for me. Though my result (INFP) seemed like a mostly good fit, it didn’t feel honest.
Sure enough, when I took it again a few years later, I was an INFJ; then, an INFP again.
Navigating various diagnostic criteria for both autism and ADHD mirrored my Myers-Briggs experience: Many moments of “Yes! But also…”, feeling like I intensely related to experiences, while identifying just as much with the polar opposite of those experiences. It just depends.
Of course, this post isn’t about Myers-Briggs, its credibility, nor its linkage to neurodivergence. Rather, I find it interesting to reflect on this pattern now that I know I have AuDHD. The constant push and pull between seemingly opposite traits has made me question who I even am throughout my life. It’s also made day-to-day functioning a rollercoaster.
Since diving more into the world of AuDHD, it seems like I’m not the only one experiencing this internal tug-of-war.
This pretty much sums it up
Despite the increasingly apparent similarities and overlap between autism and ADHD, these two neurotypes each come with traits that just clash.
This clash can present a unique set of experiences and challenges to AuDHD-ers.
This venn diagram was developed by Dr. Megan Anna Neff, a late-diagnosed AuDHD psychologist.
As Dr. Neff has illustrated, there is tremendous overlap between both neurotypes. However, some hallmark
ADHD and autistic traits can be polarizing—seeking novelty vs. familiarity, for instance.
The differences can also share common threads. For example, both autistics and ADHD-ers can struggle socially, but for different reasons that align more with their respective neurotype.
The presence of ADHD in autistic individuals can also lead to heightened autistic traits, such as sensory sensitivity.
And, just as autism and ADHD present differently in each person, no two AuDHD-ers have quite the same experience.
The Internal Tug-O-War
It’s those polarizing traits of autism and ADHD that have made my own life feel a little messier. That meme I shared above—I stumbled across it a while ago, before I fully understood my AuDHD. Funnily enough, it sparked a turning point in my neurodivergent self-discovery. Ooooh, that’s validating.
The following are some common contradictory traits possessed by AuDHD-ers, myself included. I share my experience with these inner conflicts as examples of how they can shape daily life.
Let’s start with the meme:
Autism: Needs routine to function. ADHD: Cannot maintain routine.
Autism thrives on the familiarity of routine & structure.
ADHD: (need for variety & novelty) + (impulsivity) = difficult to adhere to structure.
This one really hits home. If I have no structure in a day, I spend the day floundering from task to task, ultimately getting nothing done and ending the day frozen, overwhelmed, and discouraged. If I create a schedule for myself, I’m so impulsive that I cannot stick to it—it’s rarely lasted the first day, despite my best efforts. Plus, the thought of adhering to a daily schedule makes me feel suffocated and panicked, but having no sense of routine makes me feel uneasy and overwhelmed. Combined with ADHD’s task-initiation struggles, this has contributed to stress and self-esteem issues throughout my life—feeling like I have no willpower, I’m lazy, etc.
Overstimulation vs. Under-Stimulation
Autism often comes with sensory sensitivities.
ADHD-ers may seek intense sensory input
Restlessness, boredom, frustration, lack of focus & motivation = under-stimulation
Sensory-seeking & sensory-avoidant behaviours will vary from person to person & moment to moment.
This one has always confused me, long before I knew I was AuDHD. I am extremely sensitive to specific noises and sensations—they can instantly bring me to tears. When people speak loudly to me, it often physically hurts. The sensory experience of driving a car is too intense for me and I often have a breakdown once I park. I despise crowds. Well, most crowds…
I also cannot go a day without blasting metal music into my ears. I’m seldom happier than when I’m at a metal show, or any live music event where I can feel the music. A double kick is like a cat purring on my chest; nothing regulates me like screaming, strobe lights, complex guitars, and the loudness of it all. Whether live or in my headphones, heavy music has always given me exactly what I needed—despite simply being an interest of mine, I now know that it’s a also perfect match for the under-stimulation I’ve experienced since childhood.
Hyperfocus vs. Inattention
Autistic hyperfocus can be intense, long-lasting, & inflexible.
ADHD-ers can experience hyperfocus too, but it’s typically less all-consuming.
ADHD can make it difficult to focus on something, even if it’s of interest to the person.
AuDHD-ers can experience both extremes & anywhere in between.
I don’t experience hyperfocus often; focus has always been a massive challenge for me, even for things that I truly care about (nearly impossible for things I don’t care about). But when I do hyperfocus, all other aspects of my day are completely neglected: I don’t eat, sleep, or talk to anyone. I’m completely disengaged in everything but what I’m focused on, and I physically cannot pull myself out of it.
Organized vs. Disorganized
Autistics may have a strong need for order.
ADHD may make it difficult to stay on top of it.
Yet another source of the “I’m lazy” self-narratives. I am deeply affected by a messy space, but staying on top of cleaning and organizing feels near-impossible (re: routine is hard). As the disorganization around me grows, so does my overwhelm, and I eventually spend an entire day hyperfocusing on cleaning, vowing to never let it get that bad again. It always does. It’s felt like a never-ending cycle.
… plus many other situational variations and complexities linked to conflicting traits. I have one story to share, but conflicting AuDHD traits are as complex as each unique human.
So, how do we manage when our brains are pulling us in different directions at any given moment?
Finding Balance
This is the part that I’m still fairly new at. Since gaining awareness of my AuDHD, I’ve been on a quest to see if it’s possible for life to feel easier—to see how others navigate daily life. Below, I have compiled some common strategies that AuDHD-ers use to manage the push-pull.
Join me as I try to find balance:
Identifying Needs
Because AuDHD-ers have unique characteristics, we also have unique needs that aren’t always conducive to our currrent daily routines. Understanding each neurotype (autism and ADHD) & how they impact our day-to-day is essential to identifying where we need support. From there, we can begin to build our lives around our needs instead of fighting against them.
I need structure and organization to feel okay, but struggle with it maintaining it. Therefore, I need support with maintaining routines that account for my ADHD’s need for spontaneity.
Structured Flexibility
The best of both worlds: Many AuDHD-ers give themselves loose structure with room to deviate. This will differ from person to person, so long as both opposing needs are honoured. This could involve less strictness in scheduling— “morning tasks” instead of “8am-9am”. Some people order their to-do list items from most to least manageable in the moment. Small strategies can be implemented any time of day, like a “two-minute rule”: if something takes less than two minutes, do it immediately to prevent an overwhelming buildup of small tasks.
I am most motivated and productive in the morning, so I can plan a morning routine while leaving afternoons open.
Supporting Overall Wellbeing
A solid foundation is important for taking on daily life; everything feels harder when you’re running on empty physically, emotionally, and mentally. Neurodivergent folks are especially at risk for burnout. This loops back to Identifying Needs: I think it’s important to recognize what we need to thrive in various aspects of our wellness. Making time for friends and family, creative outlets, enjoyable physical activity, and seeing a therapist are all examples of ways we can support our overall well-being.
Movement, adequate sleep, and eating enough food all help me feel more regulated: I can dance around my apartment, practice good sleep hygiene, and meal-prep.
I struggle with chronic stress and anxiety: I try to meditate at least once a week (re: routine is hard) and get acupuncture when I can.
I tend to isolate myself when I’m struggling: I can practice reaching out to loved ones for support, so I don’t have to take everything on alone.
Recognizing Strengths
In an ableist, neurotypical-dominant society, AuDHD can present challenges in all aspects of life. Many of my self-esteem issues have stemmed from how my neurodivergence shows up in the world; this is an ongoing, albeit improving, struggle. It can be easy to feel broken or incapable. Acknowledging the difficult parts of AuDHD has been important to my journey, particularly in terms of validation and self-compassion.
However, by framing our neurodivergence as a deficit, we are judging ourselves based on how well we fit into a world of ableism. This is a limited perspective and no indicator of our worth. I think it’s also important to acknowledge the uniqueness and variety we bring—for ourselves, and for destigmatizing and normalizing neurodivergence for all. For instance, the complex brains of AuDHD-ers can allow for innovative and creative thinking, tremendous empathy, and expertise in special interests.
In reader submissions to ADDitude Magazine, these AuDHD-ers share how they frame their neurodivergence:
“When I do not have to box myself into typical working patterns, I find that autism and ADHD become complementary partners. I can create intricate plans while maintaining creative curiosity and flexibility. In terms of creative projects, this works wonderfully and allows a productive organic flow. What I wish others understood about me is that it’s the rigidity of the world that’s stopped me expressing myself and being productive. If I’m given the space, I can do wonderful things. The suffering comes when all of this magic is inhibited by fear in doing things differently.” - Chris, UK
“I was recently diagnosed with autism at the age of 63. I am female, so maybe that is why my diagnosis came late. I’ve known about my ADHD for many years. I didn’t always like myself, being so odd and all, but now I am fine with it. Actually, I don’t want to be like other people. I may be odd, but I am also gifted and you will not forget me. Getting older allows you to become who you were always meant to be, and that is very good.” - Jane, Texas
“They require opposing needs sometimes. For example, I will often need a schedule to get things done, but a schedule that is too strict will feel conflicting. Generally, though, they help me have a unique and creative outlook on life. I am a hard worker and both good with the details and making quick connections. I can see to the heart of things. Being AuDHD doesn’t make my life as hard as being in a fundamentally ableist world does.” - Kaz
“Autism makes some routine necessary. ADHD rebels against it. I have to make routines that allow me to change out parts. AuDHD keeps my life from becoming boring.” - Cassandra
How do conflicting AuDHD traits show up in your life? How could the strategies above make a difference in your daily life?
Key Takeaways
AuDHD can present with conflicting traits that create unique experiences for AuDHD-ers—for instance, needing routine to function but being unable to stick to a routine.
No two AuDHD-ers are exactly the same
These opposing traits can create challenges in daily functioning
Managing AuDHD involves self-awareness, finding balance between the push-pull of opposing ADHD and autistic traits, and supporting overall wellbeing, and recognizing AuDHD strengths.
Contributed by Riley, BSW practicum student.
Coming Up Next…
Self-Diagnosis vs. Formal Diagnosis: A 3-Part Series
For AuDHD education, support, and resources, check out @riley.unscriptedco on Instagram
Resources
References
Additude Editors. (2024, July 10). “A living contradiction:” The AuDHD experience. Additude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/audhd-autism-adhd-experience/?srsltid=AfmBOoqQm-qBIM0-3lHnwjmSPH5anY8XZfUwXAjw3DKXFS1k_lFg8Lc6
Neff, M. A. (n.d.). Misdiagnosis Monday: ADHD vs autism [Infographic]. Neurodivergent Insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/adhd-vs-autism/
Toma, R. (2021). Waterton in July [Photograph].
Wait you guys can function? [Meme]. (n.d.). Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/15rddwu/wait_you_guys_can_function/